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Approaching differences without an open mind

It might be hard to admit, but we’re all a little stubborn and set in our ways. Many people believe that compromise is a huge factor in successful relationships, and you can’t compromise without first approaching your partner with an open mind. At the start of your relationship, you will be two different people who might have had completely different upbringings. This doesn’t mean that your relationship won’t work out, it only means that you must seek to learn about your partner. Maintaining an open mind and honest communication allows couples to validate each other’s differences and grow together.

Universal statements

Relationships can be frustrating, especially when someone has a hard time breaking a bad habit or harmful pattern. But, when trying to address these repetitive behaviors, it’s best to avoid making universal statements. These include examples like, “you always do this” or “you never do that.” When you use this kind of language, you are communicating to your significant other that they are nothing more than their flaws. Because these types of statements point out what is wrong as opposed to how to be better, they discourage change and will elicit a defensive response. It is much more effective to gently point out how someone might do something differently rather than the way in which they’re doing it wrong.

Invalidating feelings

Invalidating someones feelings can be a harmful practice that usually ends up causing communication barriers. When someone tells you how they feel and you tell them they are overreacting, you are invalidating their feelings. Another example would be if someone is feeling good about something that you don’t consider to be a big deal and you tell them as much, you are diminishing their feelings. This type of communication is harmful because it can cause instant resentment. When you hurt someone who has trusted you in this way, they could have a hard time trusting you again in the future, and that is a communication barrier that could take a lot of work to break through.

Bottling up

Sometimes it feels like the best thing to do in a relationship is avoid confronting a certain issue because causing a fight might escalate things. There are certain times when it can be prudent to choose to address something at a later time but it’s important to actually address the issue because by simply ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away is unfair to you and to your partner. When you bottle up your frustrations, they might manifest themselves as passive aggression or lack of intimacy. This breach in communication could be keeping you and your partner from working through things in healthy way and strengthening your relationship.

How to communicate better

This may sound counter intuitive, but instead of focusing on how to communicate better, focus on each other. When your partner is talking to you, remain engaged mentally. Listen to what they’re saying with the intent to better understand them, not with the intent to defend yourself or some up with a rebuttal. Pay attention to their body language, read between the lines of what they’re not saying. And most of all, ask questions. By seeking to understand one another, you will face issues together rather than against each other. For more information on positive communication habits, a therapist might be a good idea.

Relationship counseling typically has a good success rate but there are some instances when counseling efforts are doomed before they ever have a chance to get off the ground. To be successful relationship counseling in Toronto requires the active participation of both parties, and by that we don’t mean they should both be yelling. We mean they should both be there for the right reasons and both possess a willingness to see the process through. Because that is what counseling is, a process, not an event. Below we are going to take a look at some of the ways couples set themselves up for failure when it comes to relationship counseling.

Reasons Relationship Counseling in Toronto Sometimes Fails Before It Begins

Here are 5 ways relationship counseling is sometimes undermined before it ever begins.

1. There are deeper underlying problems – Sometimes it becomes apparent during counseling that the real issue goes back to a time before the couple met. Instances of childhood abuse for example change the way a person relates to the world and other people, including those they become emotionally involved with. In this case the relationship issues were likely a symptom of the deeper underlying issue and relationship counseling won’t really help.
2. Using counseling to impose your will – As unfortunate as it is some people approach relationship counseling as an opportunity to impose their will on their partner. They make reconciliation dependent on their partner accepting something they may be fundamentally opposed to. This is a recipe for long-term disaster.
3. Not setting goals – In some instances couples engage the services of a relationship counselor just because they had a few arguments or one party isn’t happy but can’t really say why. Relationship counseling works best when both parties agree on a set of goals up front. Typical goals may include developing tools to change bad habits or finding a way to respectfully disagree.
4. Not being comfortable in the counseling setting – Sometimes a couple will sign up for relationship counseling even though neither partner is particularly fond of the idea of talking about the intimate details of their life in front of a stranger. What typically follows are long silent sessions where neither partner wants to take the lead and nothing is accomplished.
5. Choosing the wrong therapist for you – It’s crucial that both partners feel comfortable with the counselor. However, not all counselors will be a good match for all couples. If you are not completely comfortable with the counselor and yet you proceed anyway it is likely that at some point that antipathy will raise its head and undermine the process.

Relationship counseling can be a doorway to a better future or, if any of the above mitigating circumstances are in play, it can be a dead end street. Before you enlist the services of a professional for relationship counseling in Toronto make sure you have your ducks in a row and that you’re both clear about why you are there and what you hope to achieve.

Couple counseling is supposed to be an opportunity for both partners to meet in a neutral location and work through some of the issues that have been bothering one or both of them. If approached with an open mind and willing heart it is a chance to establish a new foundation on which to build a productive and meaningful future together. However, if one or both parties comes to the counseling session with a specific agenda (say to change one or more of the other’s perceived weaknesses) or is simply going through the motions couple counseling is unlikely to produce much more than frustration.

Counterproductive Behaviour during Couple Counseling in Toronto

In order to get to uncover and deal with the source of friction in a relationship both parties need to be present and emotionally accounted for. However, any one of the following behaviours is often enough to derail couple counseling in Toronto and they should be avoided at all cost.

• Pointing fingers – “He’s the one with the problem.” “She never shuts up.” Just rehashing the standard complaints isn’t likely to do anything but feed the fire of anger and resentment. Instead of trying to “win” by forcing your partner to accept blame and absolve you a better approach is to talk about how certain behaviours make you feel.
• Name calling – Words are powerful things and once an insult or put down has departed your lips there is no way to un-say it. While your partner may ultimately forgive you the sting will always be present on some level. There are some occasions where silence really is golden and no more so than when you decide to say nothing rather than say something you’ll regret.
• Interrupting your partner – Counseling is an opportunity for both partners to talk about their feelings while they search for accommodation. None of this is possible if one person is constantly interrupting the other. Reconciliation rests on a foundation of mutual respect. Not letting the other person finish is not the way to build that respect.
• Not listening – Some people do not know how to have a conversation, and that’s often a big part of the problem. Instead of listening to what their partner is saying they simply wait for their partner’s mouth to stop moving so they can continue. Listening is a skill that pays dividends in all aspects of our life and the counseling office is a good place to cultivate that skill.
• Looking at your watch or smartphone – As stated earlier reconciliation is built on a foundation of mutual respect. If one party is constantly checking their watch or smartphone it indicates they respect neither the process nor their partner. If you have gone to the trouble of making it to the counseling session turn your phone off and try some of that listening mentioned above.

Couple counseling in Toronto can help repair the bonds between people, resolve long-standing conflicts and provide valuable insight into our behaviour. Learn more about how it can help you by calling Esther Benbihy on 647-295-5935.

A successful marriage is one that never stops defining itself. This is because circumstances change, jobs change, family dynamics change and people change. If a marriage is to transcend all the various pitfalls and roadblocks of life both partners need to be willing to embrace change while never losing sight of the things that drew them together in the first place. That’s a lot to ask. In fact sometimes it’s a can become a bit too much. In those instances marriage counseling in Toronto can be of invaluable assistance in sorting things out and helping you achieve perspective.

Marriage Counseling Toronto: Some Common Techniques

Some marriage counselors specialize in a single therapeutic technique while others employ a variety of techniques. In either case it will likely require of bit of evaluation in order to determine which technique is best for your specific case. That said, the following are some of the most common and effective marriage counseling techniques employed today:

• Communication counseling – Most broken relationships can trace the point when things started to come apart to the point when the two parties stopped communicating. This lack of communication often has a trigger, some event which occurred to one of the partners that they did not feel comfortable talking about for whatever reason. Once the practice of withholding was set in motion it became the norm rather than the exception. With communication counseling couples are re-introduced to the value of communication and taught new techniques for broaching subjects they might have held back on in the past.
• Conflict resolution therapy – Couples who argue frequently often lose perspective and the ability to see things clearly. Valid issues that might otherwise be easily dealt with get lost in the blizzard of bad feelings and recriminations that stem from the constant fighting. For couples like this conflict resolution therapy can be invaluable. With this type of therapy the counselor aims to uncover the root cause of the conflict, develop a plan for dealing with that root cause and provide the couple with tools to help prevent future conflicts.
• Intimacy or attachment therapy – It’s not uncommon for couples to drift apart over time. Other considerations take precedence over intimacy and an emotional void develops. In time they no longer trust the emotional attachment that was at one point the mortar that held them together. In such cases attachment therapy can help in re-establishing those emotional bridges by encouraging the partners to discuss their most private feelings. It’s the type of thing that happens naturally when a couple are just coming together and this type of therapy uses it as a way to reawaken communication and repair emotional bonds damaged by neglect.

If you are in search of marriage counseling in Toronto it’s important that you determine the type of therapy that will likely be most effective for your specific situation. Call Esther Benbihy on 647-295-5935 to schedule an appointment and learn more about the different marriage counseling techniques available to Toronto couples.

Managing to avoid arguments and remain happy in a committed relationship can be quite a challenge for any couple that stays together, but for those who have a tendency to sabotage their own relationships, it can be almost impossible. If you think that you might be causing problems for yourself in your relationships, take a look at the tips below,  and see if you can adjust your behaviour in the future. With a little perseverance, you may be able to solve a lot of your own personal relationship issues without any professional assistance.

Our Relationship Therapist in Toronto Speaks About Self Sabotage

If you find yourself indulging in any of the negative behaviours and thought patterns listed below, try to stop for a minute and assess the situation objectively. With practice, you may be able to curb your self-sabotaging tendencies and enjoy a happier home life.

• Making Everything About You – It can be very difficult to avoid taking your partner’s actions personally, especially if they hurt your feelings, but in most cases this will certainly not have been their intention. If, for example, your partner seems to be prioritizing their career over your relationship, this is probably because they are under pressure at work and not because they are losing interest in you. Try to look at their actions objectively and see things from their perspective.

• Not Allowing Your Partner the Opportunity to Have Their Say – Whether you are having a disagreement about something you have done that your partner is not happy with or something that your partner has done that you are not happy with, it is important not to try to shout them down and impose your point of view on them. Even if you are sure that you are in the right, give them the chance to have their say in a calm environment. Your primary goal should be to reconcile your differences, not to prove that you are right, which takes us neatly to the final tip from our relationship therapist in Toronto.

• Expecting Your Partner to Share All Your Opinions – When we first start a new relationship, we delight in the many qualities that make our partners unique but once we live together for a period of time, some of these differences may start to annoy us. The trick to avoiding this situation is to accept that everybody is different and to focus on the feelings you had when you first met your partner: continue to revel in their uniqueness, their quirky little ways, and do not expect them to agree with everything you say or want to do.

If you have tried to stop your negative behaviour patterns but still find yourself sabotaging your own relationships, do not be afraid to ask for help. Our relationship therapist in Toronto can almost certainly help you to overcome your problems.