Esther Benbihy

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How To Go Beyond Compromise In A Relationship

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how to go beyond compromise in a relationshipYou want something. Your partner wants something else. So, you decide to compromise. Everyone wins, right? Or, does everyone actually lose? We’ve been drilled into this belief that compromise is the way to go to make everyone happy, but is there another way to resolve issues? It sometimes takes a bit of effort and creative thinking, but it is possible to go beyond compromise in a relationship.

For Example

Most couples rely on a date night to ensure that they make time for each other. Knowing that every Friday or Saturday night you will take time out of your busy life and spend it with your loved one is a great idea. Even better if you have kids and you have a standing babysitter appointment. But date night can quickly turn into the dreaded, what should we actually do?

Maybe one person has ideas of a paint night at the winery. Maybe the other person envisions watching the latest superhero movie at the theatre. Neither really wants to do what the other has proposed, so the solution is to compromise. You’ll alternate each week, with the hope that maybe, even though neither person has shown any previous interest in the activity, that they will actually enjoy it. You can do this some of the time, but how about trying something new?

Beyond Compromise

How about a different idea? Try something completely new for both of you. This can take time to agree upon, but that’s ok as it’s just another opportunity to practice positive communication. But, eventually, come up with an activity or hobby that both of you will want to participate in. You could join an adult recreation sports league. Or enrol in a couples cooking class. Maybe ballroom dancing. It doesn’t actually matter what you decide on. The point is that you can start a new journey together.

Something To Talk About

Having shared experiences is important, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. If you find that your conversations normally gravitate towards what your kids have been doing, or what’s for dinner, then maybe it’s time to mix things up a bit. A new hobby can give your conversation new life. You can share your progress together and be each other’s support. You might also open up your circle of friends which is also an important part of a healthy relationship.

Be Creative

When you compromise with someone, you’re only looking at the two options currently presented. It’s easy to be focused on what’s in front of you and hard to think about other alternatives. Going beyond compromise can take time. You have to really talk things through and listen to each other. It’s not always easy to come up with a third, alternative option, but it is worth it. Don’t settle for being half happy. Instead, do your best to be wholly happy.

How To Set Goals With Your Partner

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how to set goals with your partner A new year may imply resolutions, but these can be short lived and unnecessary. Instead, the new year is a good time to take stock of your goals and plan how to meet them. Setting goals with your partner can seem like a daunting task. You are, after all, two different people, so it can be hard to decide what you want to work on. However, you are with that person for a reason. And hopefully, your shared interests and views on what the future should look like will help you set goals together.

Agree on a Plan

Setting goals is a process, so first, decide that you actually want to do this together. Setting goals won’t be meaningful if only one person is interested in the activity. Once you’ve agreed on this activity, talk about how best to achieve it. Maybe your partner needs a few days to think about their goals. Maybe they’ve already been thinking and are ready to dive right in. There’s no right or wrong answer, so be sure to listen to your partner and understand their feelings.

Take Some Time

Set a meeting time to go over your goals. It could be an ongoing conversation as you take a walk outside. It could be over dinner and drinks. If you have kids, be sure to save your discussion for after they are in bed so that you don’t have any interruptions. Often, setting goals with your partner takes a few sessions. You might need time to think about what your partner has brought to the table or think about your reactions.

Write Them Down

Verbalizing goals is the first step, but for them to be meaningful, goals need to be written down. This way they become more significant. There is some ownership attached to them. Then, place your paper somewhere visible. As you go about your daily life it can be easy to forget what you’re actually working towards. Visible goals help give you a purpose. They are a reminder to live your life according to what you and your partner have agreed upon. This not only strengthens your personal actions, but it strengthens your relationship too.

Check-In

Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to discover your progress. Once a month usually works. Sometimes it takes longer to reach certain goals than planned, and that’s ok. Sometimes life throws in unexpected curve balls and you need to adjust. Again, that’s ok. This is also the reason why you have a partner: to provide support and strength.

Celebrate

Most goals, once they are achieved, should not be forgotten, but rather should continue to be maintained. However, if you have set a milestone and have reached it, be sure to acknowledge this and celebrate. Crack open a bottle of champagne. Go on a special date night. Be sure to honour your commitment, and acknowledge the support of your partner.

How To Use I Statements When Arguing With Your Partner

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how to use I statements when arguing with your partner All couples argue. Arguing is a type of communication and it does not mean that there is less love in the relationship. However, fighting often means big emotions that can lead to hurtful statements and at worse, a loss of trust. Fighting is healthy in a relationship, as long as it is done in a constructive manner. I statements are a great way to help communicate with your partner so that an argument has purpose.

What is an I Statement?

An I Statement begins with the word I and is then followed by an emotion. For example, I feel, I think, I believe, I like, I don’t like. I Statements are used instead of phrases such as You are, You make me, You think, and You do. They put the onus on the speaker and not the person being spoken to so that there is less judgment being made. After the feeling is stated, it should then be followed up with an explanation, usually beginning with the word because.

Clearer Communication

When you use an I Statement it allows your partner to start to begin to understand your emotions and your thoughts. We all like to assume that our partners are mind readers, but if that were the case, then arguments wouldn’t need to happen. When you can start to express yourself, communication starts to happen, and an argument shifts from raw, heightened emotions, to more level-headed understanding. Issues can then be discussed and hopefully resolved.

Less Blame

It is far too easy to blame the other person in a relationship. But one of the hardest things to realize is that we are in control of only ourselves. We can’t change other people, but we can change our reactions to events. And if change does truly need to happen with our partner, it may be facilitated through understanding and communication. When you start a sentence with an I Statement you are admitting that part of the issue is how you feel. You are taking some ownership with the situation and saying that your feelings are important and valid. If your partner doesn’t feel attacked, then they will hopefully add to the conversation with I Statements of their own.

Repetition

When you start using I Statements they can feel unnatural. It can take a while for them to become part of your lexicon. It’s also very easy to forget to use them in the first place. Try writing down a few statements when you want to bring up an issue with your partner. Writing often helps to organize thoughts and will give you a chance to really reflect on your feelings. Also try to give your partner a chance to reflect and form their own statements. This is a process. Butif you both realize what you are trying to do, you can help to support each other.

How can therapy relieve my anxiety?

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Many people suffer from anxiety, and don’t realize that ignoring the problem or relying on medicine isn’t treating the root cause of the issue. A therapist has a multitude of ways to help you deal with these issues while teaching you how to resolve them by yourself. This is why i put together an article explaining How can therapy relieve my anxiety?

What is anxiety?

Anxiety can manifest itself in many ways, but the discomfort it causes is clear. Anxiety is most often characterized as feelings of worry, self-doubt, fear, stress, and any mixture of these. It’s a normal reaction to many circumstances and has become increasingly common in our society. Many experience these emotions passingly, but being exposed to this for a prolonged time can have severe consequences on your physical health, mental well-being, and other aspects of your live. Physical symptoms vary from stomach aches to tense musculature, and go as far as full-blown panic attacks. Life can be much more complicated, and medicine helps to a certain extent, but psychology is the field most apt to treat this.

Perspective:

Anxiety is often characterized by a few emotional responses that when left to their own devices can worsen the problem. One of these is repetitive thoughts and emotions, which repeatedly expose you to the same ideas and only make the problem worse. A therapist can help a lot by discussing the problem and giving you a different perspective on your feelings, or the problems which gave rise to them. Being able to have someone listen in and give you a 3rd person perspective without all the emotional bias we carry living our lives can help change our points of view and make the emotions or problems seem normal and manageable. Anxiety can blow daily circumstances out of proportion in our minds and make it seem as though there’s nothing we can do about them, but this is very rarely the case.


Brainstorming:

Since anxiety often causes our perspectives of issues and emotions to be distorted, this in turn distorts our abilities to deal with said emotions and problems. A Psychologist is someone you can trust to listen to what you’re going through and help you think of ways you could deal with these issues. People are very quick to ask acquaintances and others for help and emotional support, but a therapist is a trained individual who will help you deal with your current situations while preparing you for the future. Although the immediate relief that therapy causes may seem like reason enough to proceed with the treatment, the main goal is to teach you to deal with your emotions by yourself in the future.

Prevention:

One limitation of experiencing your life from within your mind is that our perspective of ourselves, and of our emotional processes are extremely limited. Throughout your life you develop mechanisms to deal with any problems you encounter. These mechanisms are then automatically used to cope with future problems, but sometimes a solution to one problem isn’t the best way to solve another. A Psychologist is trained to guide your, and help give you that extra perspective which can go a long way in preventing you from becoming anxious in the first place. One example of this is isolation; many people become withdrawn in their own minds and this allows your thoughts and emotions to get hijacked by anxiety. Having someone who keeps an eye on how you react to different stimuli, and can give you tips to prevent a small feeling from growing is one of the biggest boons of therapy.


 These are only a few ways that a healthy relationship with a therapist can help relieve not only anxiety, but many other conflicting emotions daily life can bring. I hope you found this article helpful, and know I’m always available for consulting!

6 Signs a couple is stable in the long-term

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Sometimes a relationship has been going on for a long time but that doesn’t necessarily mean things are going well or future-proof. That’s why i’ve put together this list containing 6 Signs a couple is stable in the long-term.

1. A shared hobby / common interests:


 Although this is something that sometimes brings people together in the first place, some couples don’t share many interests and hobbies on their free time. This can be negative in the long term because hobbies are a great way to do things together, and to deepen bonds and learn each other’s quirks. For example hard working executives, when dating, often don’t have much free time due to work and stress. Although their relationship may have lasted long, quick sex and occasional meals don’t do much in the way of forming a deep, long-lasting bond.

2. Doing something special on a regular basis

Like the shared interests, being able to do something special together for a change of pace is a very healthy sign. Couple can quickly devolve into spending their time together “alone” in a comfort zone. This means they’re together, but apart; couples that take the time to take a drive to the beach on weekends, for example, are much more likely to progress in their relationships. Wanting to experience new things with a partner means you both have trust and feel comfortable enough with each other to risk leaving your comfort zones safety to do something new. Being able to see your partner in different situations is an extremely rare opportunity because people often show different sides of themselves when faced with new situations or stresses.


3. Comfort with family / friends

An extremely telling sign of a healthy relationship is how your partner deals with your friends and family. Everyone has heard tales of a controlling partner forbidding their significant other from seeing certain friends, or avoiding seeing their family. This is a very important sign because in the end there’s no avoiding someone’s social life and history; they’ve spent their life building this and at one point they’re going to be faced with a choice: staying together and abandoning the offending friends/family, or breaking up. This type of issue is unavoidable and set’s traps that are bound to go off sooner or later. This is why i always ask how how each partner deals with the others’ family and friends.

4. How they argue

This one may seem obvious, but the reality of how couples deal with conflicting opinions is much more complicated than it may seem. For example bickering a little bit here and there is not necessarily a bad sign at all. What really matters is how they resolve the issue, and the attitudes and “negotiation tactics” they use to persuade each other. Couples that are honest and use assertive arguments to express their emotions are much more likely to solve problems while getting to know each other better. Couples that scream, use “emotional blackmail”, or even go as far as using violence are doomed to a tragic failure.


5. how much they compromise

If you don’t sacrifice anything for the well-being of your partner, and relationship, you can’t expect much from either. Obviously entirely foregoing your life to serve your relationship won’t help either! Knowing when to give up eating that food you were craving to go have dinner with your loved ones’ family is a sign of maturity and devotion that’ll go a long way in strengthening your bonds. This brings us to the last and most important sign:


6. How they communicate

Couples with honest and assertive communication skills are the ones that last longest, and can get through anything together. This type of couple “discusses” rather than “argues”, and this really sets them on the track for a long bond. Being completely honest about your opinions requires a massive amount of trust, but is extremely rewards. When you share your vulnerabilities, fears, and emotions your partner can get “in your shoes” and understand who you are on a whole different level. This type of trust takes long to develope, but couples who can’t communcate their emotions at all will face a bumpy ride when confronted with any kind of adversity.

I hope this list was helpful, and keep in mind seeing a professional for relationship counseling can greatly improve all of these signs!