Esther Benbihy

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Find Out Why The Couple That Plays Together Stays Together

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find out why the couple that plays together stays togetherHave you ever seen a couple that looks like they really like each other? Not just that they’re committed or solid, but that they really like to hang out with each other? And have you then wondered, just what is their secret? While all people are different, the couple that plays together can seem to just generally be a lot happier.

Organized Play

Playing together through an organized sport is an amazing way to strengthen your bond with your partner. When you play together you are bonding and creating another layer to your relationship. You suddenly have a common goal that you need to work together to achieve. You can practice together and help the other improve. You can be the cheerleader that celebrates when the other triumphs.

Organized play also forces you to make the time with your partner. Life can get pretty busy and there are far too many excuses to not go out. You’re tired, you had to work late, it’s raining. If there is no pressure for you to make the time to be together, too often you can find yourself spending less and less quality time together.

Joining an organized team means that you have entered into a social contract and now you need to show up. Other people are counting on you. As a result, the game night becomes part of your regular schedule and you plan around it. You have now prioritized the play and by extension time with your partner.

Free play

Organized play is an important element of a relationship, but so is spontaneous play time. Life can’t be serious all the time. It’s essential that you stop and smell the roses with your partner, or better yet, be a bit silly. In the fall, grab a pile of leaves and start a leaf fight. You’re never too old. In the summer, head to the beach and build a giant sandcastle. Grab a ball or frisbee and play catch in the backyard.

You may think that life is too busy for these moments, but the reality is that these are just moments. Whether it is five or 10 minutes after dinner, or a quick detour after work, free play doesn’t need to take up a lot of time or money.

The trick to free play is recognizing when an opportunity arises. Then, take it right away. You can say that you’ll do something fun tomorrow, but your relationship shouldn’t be put off until the next day. The more you incorporate fun moments into your life, the more natural they will become.

Where to start

If you’re ready to start having more fun with your partner, now’s the time to start. Discuss where your common interests lie and find a group activity to join. At the same time, start finding small moments in the day to engage in a bit of silliness. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself really enjoying your new moments with your partner.

5 Reasons To Choose Couples Therapy

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5 reasons to choose couples therapyIf you had to rate how well your relationship with your partner is working out, what would that number be? And what would your partner say? Do you think that number warrants couples therapy? The somewhat surprising answer is that no matter how you would rate your relationship, therapy still might be the path forward.

Check-in

You keep meaning to talk to your partner about your relationship, but something keeps getting in the way. Scheduling couples therapy promotes having a series of conversations. Hopefully, these conversations will reaffirm your commitment with each other and demonstrate that you’re both on the same page. However, there may be unexpected issues that arise. Whatever the case, it’s important to make the time to invest in and work on your relationship.

A little shakeup

Sometimes, no matter how solid a relationship is, a little shakeup is needed. The same routines can be familiar, but are they exciting? Is there still passion in your relationship? Talking with a couples therapist can allow you to probe new feelings and see if subtle changes can be made.

Outside perspective

Are you having the same argument over and over again? You sort of make an effort to resolve the issue, but in a few month’s time, the same issue pops up again. If you keep trying to solve the same problem by doing the same thing, you’re not going to get very far.

Instead, couples therapy can help you move beyond feeling stuck. Perhaps there’s a whole other issue that needs to be resolved? Maybe there’s an easy solution right in front of you, but you’re both too close to the problem to really see it. Whatever the case may be, couples therapy will help you work together to find an acceptable resolution.

Mediation

In professional fights, there needs to be a referee. The same goes for couples when they argue. Time outs need to be called, rules need to be enforced, and a fair fight has to be established. Couples therapy offers the referee to your arguments. It won’t award points or declare a winner, but it will help shape the parameters and ensure that both people have the opportunity to be heard and understood. Teamwork is a lot more rewarding than a dirty fight.

Look to the future

More than anything, an investment in couples therapy means that you want there to be a future. If there are issues, you’re willing to work at them. The first step in scheduling a couples therapy session is often the hardest step. But the commitment to working together is commendable. You are saying that there is hope for the future!

How To End The Silent Treatment

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how to end the silent treatmentIf you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. These are good words to live by, at times, but in a relationship, they can be taken to the extreme. The silent treatment may have started as a cooling off period, but if it escalates for too long, it can be quite a problem. Here are a few suggestions to end the silent treatment.

Organize your thoughts

It can be hard to know just why you’re mad at someone in the middle of an argument. You might be trying to explain it to yourself, but if you can’t quite understand the connections yourself, how is your partner supposed to understand? Take the opportunity of not speaking with your partner to try to make those connections.

Are you actually mad that they didn’t do the dishes, or is it because you feel you take on too many of the household chores? Connect the dots between thoughts and actions so that you can raise the real issues with your partner. It may help to write a few ideas down in order to better understand yourself.

Think about your partner

Yes, your feelings need to be taken into consideration, but you are in this together. Why is your partner upset? What are they reacting to? Are they merely being silent because you are? A little bit of empathy can help put the argument into perspective.

Say I’m Sorry

So often the silent treatment can end with two simple words. Saying I’m sorry doesn’t mean that the fault is completely on you. It merely says that you are genuinely sorry you’re in this situation. Maybe you’re sorry for the role you played. Maybe you’re sorry you haven’t found the words to communicate properly.

There is no weakness in being the first person to say I’m sorry. Rather, it takes courage and shows a willingness to stop the fight and start a conversation. And chances are, your partner will be willing to apologize, too.

Discuss how to change the future

Having another argument is inevitable. There’s no sense promising to never argue again. But take the time to work out how the silent treatment began in the first place. Then, discuss how to avoid it in the future. Maybe you set a time limit to the cooling-off period to do the above followed by a check-in with each other, if not a resolution.

Most of all, take the time to reaffirm that you want to remain in a relationship together and love one another. If you know that you want to work together and keep going, then you have something to fight for.

How To Go Beyond Compromise In A Relationship

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how to go beyond compromise in a relationshipYou want something. Your partner wants something else. So, you decide to compromise. Everyone wins, right? Or, does everyone actually lose? We’ve been drilled into this belief that compromise is the way to go to make everyone happy, but is there another way to resolve issues? It sometimes takes a bit of effort and creative thinking, but it is possible to go beyond compromise in a relationship.

For Example

Most couples rely on a date night to ensure that they make time for each other. Knowing that every Friday or Saturday night you will take time out of your busy life and spend it with your loved one is a great idea. Even better if you have kids and you have a standing babysitter appointment. But date night can quickly turn into the dreaded, what should we actually do?

Maybe one person has ideas of a paint night at the winery. Maybe the other person envisions watching the latest superhero movie at the theatre. Neither really wants to do what the other has proposed, so the solution is to compromise. You’ll alternate each week, with the hope that maybe, even though neither person has shown any previous interest in the activity, that they will actually enjoy it. You can do this some of the time, but how about trying something new?

Beyond Compromise

How about a different idea? Try something completely new for both of you. This can take time to agree upon, but that’s ok as it’s just another opportunity to practice positive communication. But, eventually, come up with an activity or hobby that both of you will want to participate in. You could join an adult recreation sports league. Or enrol in a couples cooking class. Maybe ballroom dancing. It doesn’t actually matter what you decide on. The point is that you can start a new journey together.

Something To Talk About

Having shared experiences is important, especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time. If you find that your conversations normally gravitate towards what your kids have been doing, or what’s for dinner, then maybe it’s time to mix things up a bit. A new hobby can give your conversation new life. You can share your progress together and be each other’s support. You might also open up your circle of friends which is also an important part of a healthy relationship.

Be Creative

When you compromise with someone, you’re only looking at the two options currently presented. It’s easy to be focused on what’s in front of you and hard to think about other alternatives. Going beyond compromise can take time. You have to really talk things through and listen to each other. It’s not always easy to come up with a third, alternative option, but it is worth it. Don’t settle for being half happy. Instead, do your best to be wholly happy.

How To Set Goals With Your Partner

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how to set goals with your partner A new year may imply resolutions, but these can be short lived and unnecessary. Instead, the new year is a good time to take stock of your goals and plan how to meet them. Setting goals with your partner can seem like a daunting task. You are, after all, two different people, so it can be hard to decide what you want to work on. However, you are with that person for a reason. And hopefully, your shared interests and views on what the future should look like will help you set goals together.

Agree on a Plan

Setting goals is a process, so first, decide that you actually want to do this together. Setting goals won’t be meaningful if only one person is interested in the activity. Once you’ve agreed on this activity, talk about how best to achieve it. Maybe your partner needs a few days to think about their goals. Maybe they’ve already been thinking and are ready to dive right in. There’s no right or wrong answer, so be sure to listen to your partner and understand their feelings.

Take Some Time

Set a meeting time to go over your goals. It could be an ongoing conversation as you take a walk outside. It could be over dinner and drinks. If you have kids, be sure to save your discussion for after they are in bed so that you don’t have any interruptions. Often, setting goals with your partner takes a few sessions. You might need time to think about what your partner has brought to the table or think about your reactions.

Write Them Down

Verbalizing goals is the first step, but for them to be meaningful, goals need to be written down. This way they become more significant. There is some ownership attached to them. Then, place your paper somewhere visible. As you go about your daily life it can be easy to forget what you’re actually working towards. Visible goals help give you a purpose. They are a reminder to live your life according to what you and your partner have agreed upon. This not only strengthens your personal actions, but it strengthens your relationship too.

Check-In

Schedule regular check-ins with your partner to discover your progress. Once a month usually works. Sometimes it takes longer to reach certain goals than planned, and that’s ok. Sometimes life throws in unexpected curve balls and you need to adjust. Again, that’s ok. This is also the reason why you have a partner: to provide support and strength.

Celebrate

Most goals, once they are achieved, should not be forgotten, but rather should continue to be maintained. However, if you have set a milestone and have reached it, be sure to acknowledge this and celebrate. Crack open a bottle of champagne. Go on a special date night. Be sure to honour your commitment, and acknowledge the support of your partner.