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How To Keep a Healthy Relationship After Having Children

As parents, we love our children and consider them to be beautiful blessings. But let’s be honest: they make most things more complicated than they used to be. Simple stuff like going to the store or watching a movie can seem nearly impossible. And, with all the demands that kids put on us every day, it can be especially tough to maintain a healthy relationship with our partners. Here are some great ways to keep a healthy relationship after having children.

Make Time for Each Other
When each day is filled to the brim with diaper changes, rinsing bottles, and endless loads of laundry, it can be easy to go for long stretches without spending some one-on-one time with your partner to simply talk and share a moment that doesn’t revolve around children or to-do lists. Schedules and routines are great for children, and they can also be the perfect way to make sure you carve out some time to be with one another. Put it on your calendar and stick to it. Be sure to focus on each other completely – no chores!

While You’re at It, Do Some Sex Scheduling
I think most of us can agree that Google Calendar isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. And scheduling our most intimate moments can make it feel more like a trip to the dentist. But the truth is, if you don’t make an effort to put it on the calendar, it may never happen, and physical intimacy is vital for the health of a relationship. In fact, you don’t always have to have sex during these times. You can cuddle, snuggle, spoon – whatever you want. The point is simply to ensure that you make time to be physically intimate with each other.

Go on Dates
I do mean real, actual dates. You don’t necessarily have to get dressed up and go to a fancy restaurant (although that sounds pretty nice). But you do need to have the babysitter, friend, or relative come over and watch the children while the two of you go enjoy a kid-free activity. Go to the movies, grab some cocktails, and have dinner without a highchair at your table. You can do whatever you like! The only rule is that there is that you’re not allowed to talk about the children. Keep the focus on yourselves while you can, because just like Cinderella, your special night will end before you know it. Then it’s back to reality.

Do you notice a pattern between the three suggestions? It’s all about making an effort to have time for each other. Show your partner that you love them by making them a priority in your schedule. You’ll be amazed at the powerful effect you’ll see!

Communicating with your partner is hard work! It takes constant effort and a willingness to be honest. It’s difficult to know what another person is thinking, and if it’s been a while since you last had a meaningful conversation, a lot can be brought up. If you want to speak your truth to your partner, but aren’t sure how to get started, here are a few suggestions.

Communication versus Avoidance

When it comes to relationships, we often shy from speaking our truths because we don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings. But that issue then never gets the opportunity to resolve itself. As a result, we tend to avoid either the action we don’t like, or even the person causing it. And the end result can be resentment or disappointment and potentially the end of the relationship. But isn’t that more hurtful than actually talking to your partner? The first step in being able to speak your truth to your partner is to think of your end game – a better relationship. Yes, feelings may get hurt initially, but if communication becomes more open and respectful, there is a possibility for resolution. If nothing gets said, will there still be hope for the relationship in the future?

Think First

Think about what your truth really is. Are you angry because your partner always leaves dirty socks around the house? Or are you frustrated because you spend more time on household chores than they do, and as a result, have less free time?

The more you can think about your feelings, the clearer they will come out in a conversation. It’s also a really good idea to write your thoughts down to better organize them. When you speak your truth with your partner, there are a lot of emotions. It can be hard to focus and remember what you wanted to say in the first place. Write down your thoughts to better make sense of them.

Ask for help

It’s hard to start communicating if you’re out of practice. Seek a neutral place and a therapist that can guide you through the process. This is especially important if you or your partner has a habit of listing a series of grievances or blames the other or is left feeling unheard and misunderstood. A therapist can act as a mediator and teach you effective communication skills. They can help focus the conversation on the issues at hand and make sure that each person has a turn.

You can try on your own, but if you realize that you’re not making any progress with your partner, but still want to work on your relationship, then a therapist can help lead to better understanding. There’s no shame in seeing a therapist. In fact, the opposite is true. It shows that you are willing to take the time to invest in your relationship and work together to make it better.

Who you are is the most important part of yourself. Take away all your possessions, your career, your friends and family. What is left is you! So why not make the most of this person? To improve your self care, you need to acknowledge your own importance and then look at what will make you happy. You have control over your life; it’s time to start taking it.

Put yourself first

There’s the old adage that in an airplane emergency, you need to put your oxygen mask on yourself first. If you try to help anyone else but don’t have enough oxygen, then you will both suffer. The same is true in life. You may be worried that too much time spent on yourself means not enough time for others. But, if you run out of oxygen, how is that other person going to be helped?

The first step in putting yourself first is to recognize that you deserve to be fulfilled. You deserve to be whole. You deserve to be happy! When you focus on yourself, you can then unleash your full potential.

Ask for help

There is no shame in asking for help. Think of it this way. If your friend asked you for help, would you judge them? Or would you immediately help them? The same holds true for you. Friends and family members want to help you. However, they might not be aware if you’re struggling. Open the lines of communication and let others in. It will feel so much better once you do.

Be specific

Once you’ve asked for help, try your best to be specific about your needs. Remember that no one is a mind reader. The truth is, it’s hard to know exactly what you need to change or what you specifically need help with. This step might need a bit of soul searching. Look to the moments when you feel the most overwhelmed. Then, try to think about what may have triggered those feelings. Look for patterns to see if there are internal factors or external factors. The more aware you are of your needs, the better you can communicate them to the people around you.

Set a personal goal

Think about the kind of person you want to be. Then, work towards that goal. Is that person happy? Is that person energetic? Creative? Helpful? Think about how you want other people to describe you and take the steps to become that person. Once you have a vision of who you want to be, look at the steps needed to accomplish your goal. Do you need to exercise more to become energetic and healthier? Do you want to volunteer your time in something you feel passionate about? Do you want to pursue a creative interest?

You can be happy with who you are and still want to improve your self care. The point is to keep working at being the best version of yourself.