Couples' Counseling

Rekindle Romance This Summer with These Outdoor Date Ideas

July 25, 2021 By Esther Benbihy

Rekindle Romance This Summer with These Date Ideas

Quarantine and COVID-19 restrictions have left a lot of us lonely, bored, and isolated from our usual social circles. This can even apply to those living with their partner. Spending all day cooped up together can cause couples to pull away from each other to get a bit of personal space. While this is often done with no ill intent, it can cause some of the romance to ebb away. So, as COVID-19 begins to make its slow departure, it’s a great time of year to be outdoors. Here are some outdoor date ideas to take advantage of during the warm weather.

Summer Picnic

Having every meal together can get mundane pretty fast. Sitting down to dinner might have been romantic back when everyone was working outside the house and often spent the day apart. However, with the rise in remote working and unemployment, couples have been made to spend most of their waking moments by each other’s side.

Bring some flavour back into your next meal by creating something special to take on a picnic. If you’ve already reached through the dredges of your cupboard this quarantine, you can even order something to bring with you. After all, who says a picnic should bar you from the experience of eating someone else’s cooking?

Finding a nice, secluded spot in a nearby park to lay out a blanket and have lunch together can bring some excitement back into eating together. Take the time to share something you haven’t yet!

Couples’ Hike

If you and your partner like to be active, a hike is a great way to spend time together. Nature is not only beautiful, but also provides a lot of things to talk about. Taking a moment to watch a colourful bird or admire the view from the top of a hill together can be extremely romantic. Plus, there’s something uniquely rewarding about ending a hike date by collapsing into bed together when you get home. Or, get intimate by taking a warm shower together to clean the day’s travels off each other’s skin.

Stargazing

For the couples that love to relax or daydream, there’s nothing more romantic than lying under the night sky together. Take a short trip out of the city with some blankets and a thermos of your favorite hot drink. Take some time to admire the stars together. Stargazing offers a quiet and reverent environment for appreciating each other’s company. However, it also provides an opportunity for tender conversation. Plus, nothing makes someone more appreciative of the connection they have to their partner than remembering how big our galaxy is.

Make A Day of It

The best thing about all of these activities is that they work great together. These three outdoor date ideas can turn into an overnight camping trip jam packed with opportunities to rekindle the romance that’s been pushed to the sidelines during quarantine.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 2

January 31, 2021 By Esther Benbihy

Thank you for your patience and welcome to this month’s conclusion to last month’s question, “Is my relationship healthy?”

Let’s pick up where we left off – applying the foundational needs of a relationship from last month’s article to your relationship.

Is My Relationship Healthy?

Now, the question you’ve been waiting for the answer to. In order to find an answer when asking, “Is my relationship healthy?” you have to reflect on these core requirements for a healthy relationship.

In order to make that easier, let’s take a look at each element of a scenario that might take place in a healthy relationship.

The Conflict

Partner A and Partner B have been looking for something romantic to do. They decided 2 weeks ago to have a candlelit dinner at home tonight, at 6.
Partner B has misremembered and is under the mistaken impression that dinner is next week.
Partner B works until 5pm and their workplace is 30 minutes from home. They have been meaning to pick up some boxes stored at a friend’s house and decide to drop by and get them on the way home. However, their friend’s house is a little out of the way.
Partner B arrives at their friend’s house at 5:30pm, the opposite direction from home – which is now an hour away. Their friend is confused. “I thought you had some dinner to be at tonight? Isn’t that what Partner A said on Facebook?”
Partner B is horrified at their mistake. Everyone makes mistakes – it’s only human.

The Resolution

The important thing is that Partner B is considerate toward Partner A. They know that Partner A will be worried and hurt if Partner B just doesn’t show up. So, Partner B immediately calls them to let them know about their mistake, and that they will be late.
Partner A is compassionate toward Partner B. Partner B doesn’t usually make these kinds of thoughtless mistakes and clearly feels very bad about it. Partner A tells Partner B that they’re not mad and that they can have a late dinner.
Partner B makes the compromise to come and get the boxes later, as they’re in the attic and will take more than fifteen minutes to retrieve and load into the car. The time they wasted driving here will have to go to waste in order to make up for their mistake.
When Partner B gets home, Partner A is waiting with the dinner they cooked. It’s been kept in the oven to keep it warm, and they have a nice dinner.
Partner A hears that Partner B came home without the boxes. They think it would have been a better choice to just take another fifteen minutes, rather than waste the gas from the trip, but they respect that Partner B made the decision with their best interest in mind, and don’t mention it. They know that Partner B was being compassionate in hurrying home.

How Do You Compare?

This is a great example of how a healthy couple can handle an unfortunate situation. As you can see, both partners are looking out for each other’s best interest. While Partner B made a mistake, they were quick to rectify it. Next time, Partner A might be the one making a mistake. The important thing about a healthy relationship is making sure that, no matter the situation, you react to it with the four foundational pillars of a relationship in mind.

To answer the questions, “Is my relationship healthy?” you have to take situations like this into account. What would have happened if you were Partner A and your partner was Partner B? What about the other way around? Do you see differences in how Partner B or Partner A would be treated by the other when you and your partner switch places in those roles? If so, your relationship might not be very healthy.

Partners should treat each other equally, both extending 100% willingness to be compassionate, considerate, respectful, and to compromise fairly. If you aren’t seeing that balance in your relationship, it might be time to give us a call and schedule an appointment for relationship counseling. Everyone deserves a relationship where they feel safe. Let’s work toward that kind of relationship together.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 1

December 31, 2020 By Esther Benbihy

For many of us, there comes a time where must ask, “Is my relationship healthy?” This question can come up for many reasons, and it’s time for us to discuss what those may be, and what they mean. Let’s take a moment to peer into your relationship and check it for cracks.

Asking the Question

The first thing we need to address is that you’re asking this question at all. While asking this question does not necessarily indicate abuse within your relationship, it is a red flag. People in healthy, toxicity-free relationships rarely feel the need to ask themselves if there is abuse happening. While asking a question doesn’t have to mean the answer is a bad one, it does mean you should do yourself the courtesy of looking deeper.

The Pillars of a Healthy Relationship

There are many people who are under the impression that all you need for a successful relationship is love. The truth is, love is only an emotion, and a single emotion cannot form the foundation for a healthy relationship. In fact, many abusive relationships have an abundance of the emotion love. The problem is that they lack the foundational pillars required to be healthy. What are those pillars?

Respect

The first and most important pillar is that of respect. Some people confuse love and respect. If you’ve ever delved into a Love and Respect series, you’ll have heard that women have some innate need for love, more than respect, and men the opposite. This is simply untrue. This belief is borne of sexism. Both men and women have an innate need for respect. The reality is, women have just commonly learned to settle for love – an emotion – over respect – an action.

While there is a certain brand of respect that means you look to someone as an authority, there is a more basal type of respect. The type of respect we’re talking about today is the respect you have when you believe that another person belongs to themself. That means allowing them to have their own opinions, present how they want, speak how they want, and decide what they want in their life, without trying to interfere or control them.

Without this type of respect, a relationship is on shaky ground and may quickly become toxic or abusive.

Compassion

The next pillar is something that people often mistake as being inherent to the emotion of love. A relationship needs compassion to thrive.

Compassion is something that everyone should aim to have. It is also something people mistakenly call empathy and sympathy quite often. While empathy and sympathy are one’s ability to feel or understand another’s emotions, compassion is one’s desire to act kindly. Even if you don’t understand how someone feels, you can still act compassionately.

If a relationship does not have both partners aiming to act compassionately, things can quickly crumble. A disinterest in compassion is a bad sign for anyone but, when it’s your partner, it can have really damaging consequences.

Consideration

Following compassion, a relationship needs consideration. They go hand in hand. Consideration is when you strive to consider your partner’s needs and how your actions affect them. One can be considerate without being compassionate. But, to consider and understand a person’s needs and then decide against compassion is a sign of negligence, toxicity, or abuse.

Compromise

Last but not least, we have compromise. Compromise is the willingness to find a middle ground when you and your partner disagree on something. Compromise is not one partner constantly sacrificing things for the other. Compromise is always a steady balance of give and take. If one partner is the only one ever “compromising,” the other partner is taking advantage of them and it may be an abuse situation.

What Else Is There?

Check in with next month’s Part 2 if you want to know more. These are the foundational pillars to a healthy relationship. But, we still have to answer the question: “Is my relationship healthy?” Check back next month to see how your relationship stands up to these important interpersonal ingredients. Until then, if you’re concerned with how your relationship is going, it might be time to call a professional. Esther Benbihy provides relationship counseling that seeks to find and soothe the cause of relationship turmoil. Give us a call if you’d like to schedule an appointment.

Date Ideas to Start the New Year Off Right

November 30, 2020 By Esther Benbihy

If you and your partner are looking to make the new year a rekindling of your romance, start the new year off right with a date. Even better is getting a little support from couple’s counseling. However, before getting serious, let’s talk date ideas that will give you a romantic start to the rest of your 2021.

Social Distancing Date Ideas

Because COVID-19 is far from over, it’s important that New Year’s date ideas incorporate social distancing and safety. Because of that, we’ve collected a number of date ideas that can be enjoyed with everyone’s safety in mind.

Personal Fireworks Show

Are you and your date a fan of fireworks? There’s no need to go to crowded hotspots or downtown events to see them. There are bound to be people setting off their own collection and you can see them from a safe distance.

Taking a walk in your favorite park would give you and your date time to talk about your hopes and dreams for the new year. Plus, you can talk with a backdrop of beautiful colors across the sky.

Candlelit Dinner

Having a romantic dinner at home can be exactly the kind of rekindling a couple needs. It’s a classic date idea, with the potential to go anywhere. You can even approach it from two different angles.

Acts of Service

One of you cooking dinner and serving it formally may be the perfect date if you or your partner likes to be wooed by the other doing things for them. It’s a great way to say, ‘I know your food preferences, I want you to have a good time, and you don’t have to lift a finger.’

Quality Time

If you and your partner prefer spending time together over formality, cooking dinner together can be even more romantic. If you’ve been together a long time, it’s important to go into this with the intention of having fun, not achieving perfection or doing things ‘the right way.’

Playful Snow Date

If you and your date are a playful couple, a date that encourages that can be fantastic. This is especially true for couples who have been together for a while. If you and your partner were filled with playful energy at the beginning of your relationship, and the passing time has stifled that, rekindle your younger side with a playful snow date.

This kind of date is flexible. You can have it in the yard after a nice candlelit dinner at home. You can take a drive out to the local park. Where you find your snow is up to you. The important part is that you can both freeze yourselves, playing in the cold. Afterwards, you can both curl up together, in dry clothes, to get warm.

A date playing in the snow together can be:

Sledding – a perfect activity for 2
Building snowmen
Making snow angels
Attempting to build an igloo together
A classic snowball fight

It’s bound to be good fun, no matter which ones you can cross off the list when you’re through.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Partner Manipulating Me?

November 1, 2020 By Esther Benbihy

Did you know that abuse within a romantic relationship is not as uncommon as many people think? The kind of abuse that’s talked about openly – physical abuse – is actually not as common as other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, and many other forms happen all the time. As a couples therapy professional, Esther Benbihy finds it important that people are aware of any abuse that may be taking place in their lives. Let’s take a moment to check in. Is your partner manipulating you?

Manipulation Misconceptions

When you think of manipulation, do you think of ultimatums and threats? Many people view manipulation as the kind of thing a covert supervillain would do in an action movie. Unfortunately, it’s not always that grandiose and can slip under the radar of the average person very easily.

Manipulation, most of the time, isn’t something you’re aware is happening. Coercion is not the only kind of manipulation. So, what is manipulation, really?

Everyday Manipulation

Manipulation is not necessarily something that is planned out in some kind of evil scheme. It’s often times done subconsciously by people who have little or no respect for the boundaries of others. It can also be done by people who have a fundamental misunderstanding or lack of empathy and compassion for others.

Manipulation can start off very small, the manipulator testing the waters. When someone proves that they’re willing to lower their guard around the manipulator and make exceptions in their boundaries, the manipulator sets up shop. In romantic relationships, this can be seen in love bombing.

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a common kind of manipulation seen in romantic relationships. The manipulator will start off being incredibly sweet, gaining the trust of their new partner with gifts, encouragement, reassurances, and so much more.

However, once the victim of this tactic has reached a point in the relationship where backing out is difficult, the manipulator begins to pray on the insecurities of their partner. This can mean subtly withdrawing their affection and reassurances when they’re displeased. It can be only giving gifts or praises when the victim goes out of their way to please them. Another form is giving the cold shoulder when the victim tries to enforce any kind of boundaries. Then, they force the victim to beg for forgiveness and give in to their demands before they’ll stop being upset.

Is Your Partner Manipulating You?

The question is, what does manipulation look like when you’re neck deep in it already? It’s hard to see these things objectively when you’re so sure that your partner doesn’t mean any of it badly.

Here are some signs that you may be being manipulated:

Do you feel like the amount of work you put in is unfairly high?
Do you feel like you have to ask if you’re allowed to have a certain boundary, rather than just stating it?
Does it feel like you’re never doing enough, even though, factually, you know you’re doing more?
Do you put in more time trying to fix your partner’s upset than they do for you?
Does your partner ignore your own negative feelings?
Does your partner rarely show you affection unless you’ve just done something for them?

If you said yes to any of these, your partner manipulating you might be more of a reality than you realized. Your partner manipulating you doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of a relationship. If your partner is doing this subconsciously, couples therapy might be enough to break the pattern of emotional abuse.