Esther Benbihy

Abuse Awareness

Abuse Awareness: What Are Emotional Boundaries?

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Abuse Awareness: What Are Emotional Boundaries?

Do you ever feel like your feelings don’t matter to your partner? This is unfortunately a true sentiment for many people in relationships. The truth is,  it’s not a good sign, because emotional boundaries are very important in any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. So, what are emotional boundaries? Are your emotional boundaries being overstepped? Have you been forced to get rid of yours? Let’s take a moment to look at the importance of these boundaries and what they look like.

What Are Emotional Boundaries?

To begin, we have to answer the very important question: what are emotional boundaries? The short answer is, these boundaries are safety nets and walls a person has to keep them safe and comfortable. Now, these aren’t the kind of walls you want to break down. They function the same way our skin does. That is, by keeping out the things that are not safe for our emotional wellbeing.

A great example of an emotional boundary is refusing to let your partner call you names or make insulting jokes about you. This one may seem obvious, but there are more emotional boundaries that are easier to miss. If you have a boundary about name-calling, should your partner call you a name or make fun of you, there will be some kind of social consequence for it. 

Why Are They Important?

The same way that physical boundaries keep us physically safe, emotional boundaries keep us emotionally safe. Therefore, if you wouldn’t tolerate your partner hitting you, why would you tolerate your partner making emotional jabs that hurt you emotionally? The answer is, you shouldn’t!

Emotional boundaries look different for everyone. One person might have a boundary that their partner is not to talk about food nutrition. Perhaps it’s a trigger for an old eating disorder. Another person may not mind food discussion but is not okay with their partner discussing any detail of their sex life with friends.

How Does Abuse Enter the Picture?

If your partner doesn’t respect your emotional boundaries, it’s a sign that they don’t respect you as a person. Many people have their limits disregarded by their partner. For others, they’re forced to rid themselves of emotional limits entirely.

Here are some red flags to look for regarding emotional boundaries:

  • If your partner says your boundaries are silly, unnecessary, excessive, or in some way hurt them.
  • Your partner tries to push your boundaries a little at a time (i.e. calling you names in a joking manner even though it makes you uncomfortable, only to use them later on when you have a fight. Then, when you say they crossed a line, they say something to the effect of, “You never mind when I call you that other times!”)
  • If your partner tries to get you to compromise your emotional boundaries to accommodate their emotional boundaries.

These flags frequently lead to emotionally abusive or toxic relationships where one partner is forced to rid themselves of boundaries to make the other person happy.

How to Confront Emotional Toxicity and Abuse

If your partner is ignoring your boundaries, you need to take action ASAP. This is arguably one of the hardest abuse situations to pull yourself out of. This is especially true when your partner has convinced you they’re all you have. Therefore, find it in yourself to take the first step in healing by recognizing your relationship needs help.

If you believe your partner is well-meaning, confront them about the situation. Let them know you’re not comfortable with how they’re treating you. Many people will respond positively if given the opportunity to reflect on their hurtful behaviors. Scheduling an appointment for couple’s therapy is a great first step to relationship recovery. However, if they respond negatively, it may be time to plan your exit.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 2

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Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 2

Thank you for your patience and welcome to this month’s conclusion to last month’s question, “Is my relationship healthy?”

Let’s pick up where we left off – applying the foundational needs of a relationship from last month’s article to your relationship.

Is My Relationship Healthy?

Now, the question you’ve been waiting for the answer to. In order to find an answer when asking, “Is my relationship healthy?” you have to reflect on these core requirements for a healthy relationship.

In order to make that easier, let’s take a look at each element of a scenario that might take place in a healthy relationship.

The Conflict

  1. Partner A and Partner B have been looking for something romantic to do. They decided 2 weeks ago to have a candlelit dinner at home tonight, at 6.
  2. Partner B has misremembered and is under the mistaken impression that dinner is next week.
  3. Partner B works until 5pm and their workplace is 30 minutes from home. They have been meaning to pick up some boxes stored at a friend’s house and decide to drop by and get them on the way home. However, their friend’s house is a little out of the way.
  4. Partner B arrives at their friend’s house at 5:30pm, the opposite direction from home – which is now an hour away. Their friend is confused. “I thought you had some dinner to be at tonight? Isn’t that what Partner A said on Facebook?”
  5. Partner B is horrified at their mistake. Everyone makes mistakes – it’s only human.

The Resolution

  1. The important thing is that Partner B is considerate toward Partner A. They know that Partner A will be worried and hurt if Partner B just doesn’t show up. So, Partner B immediately calls them to let them know about their mistake, and that they will be late.
  2. Partner A is compassionate toward Partner B. Partner B doesn’t usually make these kinds of thoughtless mistakes and clearly feels very bad about it. Partner A tells Partner B that they’re not mad and that they can have a late dinner.
  3. Partner B makes the compromise to come and get the boxes later, as they’re in the attic and will take more than fifteen minutes to retrieve and load into the car. The time they wasted driving here will have to go to waste in order to make up for their mistake.
  4. When Partner B gets home, Partner A is waiting with the dinner they cooked. It’s been kept in the oven to keep it warm, and they have a nice dinner.
  5. Partner A hears that Partner B came home without the boxes. They think it would have been a better choice to just take another fifteen minutes, rather than waste the gas from the trip, but they respect that Partner B made the decision with their best interest in mind, and don’t mention it. They know that Partner B was being compassionate in hurrying home.

How Do You Compare?

This is a great example of how a healthy couple can handle an unfortunate situation. As you can see, both partners are looking out for each other’s best interest. While Partner B made a mistake, they were quick to rectify it. Next time, Partner A might be the one making a mistake. The important thing about a healthy relationship is making sure that, no matter the situation, you react to it with the four foundational pillars of a relationship in mind.

To answer the questions, “Is my relationship healthy?” you have to take situations like this into account. What would have happened if you were Partner A and your partner was Partner B? What about the other way around? Do you see differences in how Partner B or Partner A would be treated by the other when you and your partner switch places in those roles? If so, your relationship might not be very healthy. 

Partners should treat each other equally, both extending 100% willingness to be compassionate, considerate, respectful, and to compromise fairly. If you aren’t seeing that balance in your relationship, it might be time to give us a call and schedule an appointment for relationship counseling. Everyone deserves a relationship where they feel safe. Let’s work toward that kind of relationship together.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 1

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Abuse Awareness: Is My Relationship Healthy? Part 1

For many of us, there comes a time where must ask, “Is my relationship healthy?” This question can come up for many reasons, and it’s time for us to discuss what those may be, and what they mean. Let’s take a moment to peer into your relationship and check it for cracks.

Asking the Question

The first thing we need to address is that you’re asking this question at all. While asking this question does not necessarily indicate abuse within your relationship, it is a red flag. People in healthy, toxicity-free relationships rarely feel the need to ask themselves if there is abuse happening. While asking a question doesn’t have to mean the answer is a bad one, it does mean you should do yourself the courtesy of looking deeper.

The Pillars of a Healthy Relationship

There are many people who are under the impression that all you need for a successful relationship is love. The truth is, love is only an emotion, and a single emotion cannot form the foundation for a healthy relationship. In fact, many abusive relationships have an abundance of the emotion love. The problem is that they lack the foundational pillars required to be healthy. What are those pillars?

Respect

The first and most important pillar is that of respect. Some people confuse love and respect. If you’ve ever delved into a Love and Respect series, you’ll have heard that women have some innate need for love, more than respect, and men the opposite. This is simply untrue. This belief is borne of sexism. Both men and women have an innate need for respect. The reality is, women have just commonly learned to settle for love – an emotion – over respect – an action.

While there is a certain brand of respect that means you look to someone as an authority, there is a more basal type of respect. The type of respect we’re talking about today is the respect you have when you believe that another person belongs to themself. That means allowing them to have their own opinions, present how they want, speak how they want, and decide what they want in their life, without trying to interfere or control them.

Without this type of respect, a relationship is on shaky ground and may quickly become toxic or abusive.

Compassion

The next pillar is something that people often mistake as being inherent to the emotion of love. A relationship needs compassion to thrive.

Compassion is something that everyone should aim to have. It is also something people mistakenly call empathy and sympathy quite often. While empathy and sympathy are one’s ability to feel or understand another’s emotions, compassion is one’s desire to act kindly. Even if you don’t understand how someone feels, you can still act compassionately.

If a relationship does not have both partners aiming to act compassionately, things can quickly crumble. A disinterest in compassion is a bad sign for anyone but, when it’s your partner, it can have really damaging consequences.

Consideration

Following compassion, a relationship needs consideration. They go hand in hand. Consideration is when you strive to consider your partner’s needs and how your actions affect them. One can be considerate without being compassionate. But, to consider and understand a person’s needs and then decide against compassion is a sign of negligence, toxicity, or abuse.

Compromise

Last but not least, we have compromise. Compromise is the willingness to find a middle ground when you and your partner disagree on something. Compromise is not one partner constantly sacrificing things for the other. Compromise is always a steady balance of give and take. If one partner is the only one ever “compromising,” the other partner is taking advantage of them and it may be an abuse situation.

What Else Is There?

Check in with next month’s Part 2 if you want to know more. These are the foundational pillars to a healthy relationship. But, we still have to answer the question: “Is my relationship healthy?” Check back next month to see how your relationship stands up to these important interpersonal ingredients. Until then, if you’re concerned with how your relationship is going, it might be time to call a professional. Esther Benbihy provides relationship counseling that seeks to find and soothe the cause of relationship turmoil. Give us a call if you’d like to schedule an appointment.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Partner Manipulating Me?

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Abuse Awareness: Is My Partner Manipulating Me?

Did you know that abuse within a romantic relationship is not as uncommon as many people think? The kind of abuse that’s talked about openly – physical abuse – is actually not as common as other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, and many other forms happen all the time. As a couples therapy professional, Esther Benbihy finds it important that people are aware of any abuse that may be taking place in their lives. Let’s take a moment to check in. Is your partner manipulating you?

Manipulation Misconceptions

When you think of manipulation, do you think of ultimatums and threats? Many people view manipulation as the kind of thing a covert supervillain would do in an action movie. Unfortunately, it’s not always that grandiose and can slip under the radar of the average person very easily.

Manipulation, most of the time, isn’t something you’re aware is happening. Coercion is not the only kind of manipulation. So, what is manipulation, really?

Everyday Manipulation

Manipulation is not necessarily something that is planned out in some kind of evil scheme. It’s often times done subconsciously by people who have little or no respect for the boundaries of others. It can also be done by people who have a fundamental misunderstanding or lack of empathy and compassion for others.

Manipulation can start off very small, the manipulator testing the waters. When someone proves that they’re willing to lower their guard around the manipulator and make exceptions in their boundaries, the manipulator sets up shop. In romantic relationships, this can be seen in love bombing.

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a common kind of manipulation seen in romantic relationships. The manipulator will start off being incredibly sweet, gaining the trust of their new partner with gifts, encouragement, reassurances, and so much more. 

However, once the victim of this tactic has reached a point in the relationship where backing out is difficult, the manipulator begins to pray on the insecurities of their partner. This can mean subtly withdrawing their affection and reassurances when they’re displeased. It can be only giving gifts or praises when the victim goes out of their way to please them. Another form is giving the cold shoulder when the victim tries to enforce any kind of boundaries. Then, they force the victim to beg for forgiveness and give in to their demands before they’ll stop being upset.

Is Your Partner Manipulating You?

The question is, what does manipulation look like when you’re neck deep in it already? It’s hard to see these things objectively when you’re so sure that your partner doesn’t mean any of it badly.

Here are some signs that you may be being manipulated:

  • Do you feel like the amount of work you put in is unfairly high?
  • Do you feel like you have to ask if you’re allowed to have a certain boundary, rather than just stating it?
  • Does it feel like you’re never doing enough, even though, factually, you know you’re doing more?
  • Do you put in more time trying to fix your partner’s upset than they do for you?
  • Does your partner ignore your own negative feelings?
  • Does your partner rarely show you affection unless you’ve just done something for them?

If you said yes to any of these, your partner manipulating you might be more of a reality than you realized. Your partner manipulating you doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of a relationship. If your partner is doing this subconsciously, couples therapy might be enough to break the pattern of emotional abuse.

Give us a call if you feel like you’re being manipulated and would like to seek counseling with your partner.