Esther Benbihy

Couples' Counseling

What to Do When Your Partner Has Changed

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What to Do When Your Partner Has Changed

For most long term couples, there will come a time where one or both people has changed. If your partner has changed, that can mean a lot of things. Ultimately, you may end up wondering what you can do with this change. Let’s break the answer down into a few different steps. The first thing is to establish what kind of changes are taking place.

Healthy Changes

Some examples of positive changes are:

  • Branching out and making friends outside of the relationship, as long as adequate effort is still put into the relationship.
  • Making new boundaries for themselves. If your partner has begun asking you not to do things to them or around them that they do not like, this is something to be celebrated. While it can be off-putting at first, or feel like they’re trying to put distance between you, setting boundaries is completely natural. If you’re concerned about the nature of these boundaries, it might be time to talk with your partner and ask about what motivated them.
  • Discovering new things about themselves and finding joy in new things are both great developments! If your partner has found new things that they are incorporating into their identity, that’s completely normal. Years passing allows us to adapt to new interests and gives us time to think about who we are. It may even be more concerning if your partner doesn’t experience any personal changes over many years together.

Unhealthy Changes

Some examples of some negative changes are:

  • Your partner seeming to close off and not talk to your or anyone else anymore about their feelings.
  • Your partner losing their general patience and becoming short-tempered. 
  • Or, your partner seeming uninterested in doing things anymore. This is especially noticeable if your partner used to be very outgoing and ambitious. This can be a sign of depression or other mental health struggles.
  • Your partner developing reckless hobbies, spending money frivolously, or abusing substances.

What to Do

Once you’ve figured out the nature of the changes your partner is going through, you can then determine the best steps to take.

If the changes your partner is going through are on the positive side of things, you may just want to talk to them about these changes. Communication is an excellent way of bringing people together. If you aren’t sure why your partner has changed, this area in your relationship may be lacking. Try talking to your partner about their motivations and what has inspired these changes. Maybe you, too, will get inspired to improve yourself.

If the changes are more on the negative side of things, you may need to get some help. Starting with communication is a good first step. Let your partner know that you are concerned. Without attacking your partner, let them know you are unhappy with some of the changes you’ve seen in them and would like to try getting to the root of things. If the solution is a simple one that is constructive to both of you, you may be able to resolve things by yourselves.

Sometimes, when your partner has changed, it’s deeper or more complicated than that. In that case, it’s time to call Esther Benbihy. Call us now if you need to schedule an appointment for couple’s therapy. We can help you and your partner get back on the same page again.

Finding Time for Your Partner Again: Part 2

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Finding Time for Your Partner Again: Part 2

In our last installment of Finding Time for Your Partner Again, we talked a bit about some of the causes for distance in a relationship. We hope you’ve begun the process of mentally preparing for change because we have some solutions for you. Today we’ll address the three most common causes for not having time for your partner.

Overworked

For a lot of people, work is a monumental task. Whether this is because it’s hard, manual labor or because you’re using an intense creative process throughout the work day doesn’t matter. If you find yourself too tired to do anything when you’re done working, it may be interfering with your relationship.

First, ask yourself what you do have energy for when you’re done working. Do you usually sit down and watch TV? Do you play a game? Or, do you go straight to bed? If you find you have the energy for mindless leisure activities when you’re done with work, you should ask your partner if there’s any way to combine that with spending time with them. For instance, your partner may have a TV show they’re interested in that you can both watch together while snuggling on the couch. If the game you enjoy is multiplayer, you could play together. 

The next thing to address is your work load. If you’re too tired to do anything after work, it might be time to assess if you’re working too much. If you work for yourself, try cutting your workload by an hour or two each day. Or, if you work every day, change your work schedule to include at least two days off. If you work for someone else, request a change in hours or consider searching for another job.

Too Tired

Another important consideration is: are you tired all the time even when you don’t work? Depression is incredibly common and can really sneak up on people. You might not know this but depression can cause a significant amount of fatigue. There is a stigma that depression is all in people’s heads, but it actually manifests in a lot of physical symptoms as well. If you think you might be depressed, contact a local therapist and set up an appointment. Therapy and medication can be life-changing for those suffering from depression.

Different Interests

If you and your partner technically do have free time but prefer to do different things, you might find you spend a lot of time apart from each other. There are two solutions for this problem. They’re fairly easy too. You just need a little patience and willingness to compromise.

The first thing is you can continue doing your own thing but move closer. If you like to play games on your laptop at the table and your partner likes to read in bed, try taking your laptop to bed to play games. You both get to continue doing what you love but are now close while doing it. Even basic physical contact can provide a sense of companionship and encourage the production of dopamine.

Too Busy

Some people just tend to have a lot going on. From waking until sleeping, they are on the move. If this is you, you finding time for your partner may come with some big changes for your own schedule.

If most of your busy day comes from taking care of kids, see if you can get a babysitter once a week so you and your partner can spend time together or go on a date. Family is often willing to do this for free or cheap. Check in with your siblings or parents.

If you’re simply busy because you’re going to meetings and appointments and running errands, it might be time to start setting professional boundaries for yourself. Make sure you have a few hours each night to yourself. Refuse to schedule things in the evening. Try out grocery delivery services.

Couple’s Counseling

If your situation can’t be fixed with generic advice, come in for counseling and get help tailored to your unique situation. With some professional help from Esther Benbihy, finding time for your partner can be done together. Give us a call to make an appointment.

Finding Time for Your Partner Again: Part 1

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My Partner and I Have Different Sexual Interests

As you and your partner get into the swing of living together, there comes a kind of comfort and ease with your day. You learn what you’re both good at and what you can rely on each other for and a routine forms. However, as the years pass, you may find yourself getting so caught up in that routine that you forget how to make time for each other. If you’re having trouble finding time for your partner, it might be time to reevaluate how good that routine really is.

The Cause

The first thing to figure out is why you and your partner don’t seem to have time for each other. There can be many reasons. Here are some of the most common ones. You:

  • Work a lot and find yourself too tired to do anything when you’re done
  • Both want to do different things and spend most of your free time away from each other
  • Are constantly on the move from wake to sleep

Because each cause has a different set of solutions, knowing the cause is the first thing you have to figure out.

Plan for Change

When you’ve figured out what the cause of your distance is, the next step is planning for change. When you’ve gotten yourself stuck in a routine, it can be hard to actually make a change. It’s incredibly easy to start the change and then immediately slip back into how it was before. This happens a lot when people expect fast results and don’t get them. It also happens when people get fast results and then don’t feel motivated to continue because they got what they wanted in the short-term. It’s important not to let either of these become a reality for you. 

If you want to successfully find time for your partner, you have to dedicate yourself. You have to accept that you’re making a long-term change. Most importantly, you have to pace yourself. Trying to make a huge change all of a sudden is going to lead to a fast burnout and immediate withdrawal from the change.

Remove the Shame

For a lot of people, realizing they’ve gotten themselves into a routine of ignoring their partner or prioritizing other things causes a lot of shame and regret. While feeling some regret is healthy, let’s take away the shame. Falling into a monotony with your partner is incredibly common and it’s easy to do. What matters is that you’re trying to make time for them again. So, buck up and try not to feel bad. Change and improvement is just around the corner!

Unique Solutions

When it comes to the previously mentioned causes, we have to find unique solutions for unique problems. Check out our next article to see how we approach change with each of these causes. If you can’t wait to get started, give us a call and schedule an appointment with Esther Benbihy. Getting couple’s therapy is a fantastic choice when finding time for your partner.

What Are the 5 Love Languages? Part 2

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What Are the 5 Love Languages? Part 2

In our last article, we covered what the 5 primary love languages are. However, knowing what they are isn’t as useful as knowing how to use them. Today’s article is where you’ll learn what to do with these love languages to make communication with your partner easier and more fulfilling.

What’s Your Love Language?

After reading through the list of love languages in Part 1, at least one of the languages must have stuck out to you. There might even be more than one that applies. Which language do you understand? Is it physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, or acts of service?

When you know what your love language is, you can communicate that to your partner. If your partner is willing to put a little work into your relationship, they’ll be grateful to learn your love language. After all, understanding why past actions may not have gotten through and how future acts of love can be more easily understood is a huge relief.

What is Your Partner’s?

Not so fast though! You feeling loved is important, but equally as important is ensuring that your partner is also feeling loved. If you haven’t gone through our last article with your partner yet, we encourage you to do so. Let’s see if your partner can figure out which language gets through to them.

Speaking Each Other’s Language

The most important thing about learning each other’s love language is learning to speak them. If you and your partner have different love languages, it might have been the reason why you were feeling unloved. People tend to speak their own language fluently. However, if your partner doesn’t have that same language, your love might not have been getting through to them.

Talk to your partner about the specific things in their language that work best for them. Every language has its dialects and the primary love language might not be specific enough. If your partner has a gift giving love language, they might specifically like it when you buy them flowers. Others might like food gifts or handmade gifts. If your partner likes physical touch, they might have a special focus on sex or particularly sensual touching. However, some others might not mind the amount of sex but really want more frequent casual touches, like sitting close or holding hands.

Mending Your Relationship

When you begin to understand what things make your partner feel loved, you’ll be much more capable in expressing your love to them. You might be surprised by how effective it is. While you two might have had your spark dampened for a while, the implementation of love languages may suddenly cause it to flare.

An impromptu kiss for someone who prefers physical touch may brighten their whole day. Talking about your day or asking about theirs might fill the need for quality time. Saying thank you and ‘I love you’ to someone who prefers words might make them feel appreciated like never before. The power of knowing how to communicate with your partner is unbelievable when you finally understand how to do it.

If you want to read more about the love languages, click here to find the original book by Gary Chapman. It’s highly recommended and explains these much more than we can through our blog. If you’re in need of a third party, consider scheduling a counseling session.

What Are the 5 Love Languages? Part 1

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What Are the 5 Love Languages? Part 1

Communication is a vitally important part of any successful relationship. However, communication isn’t just discussing your feelings. A lot of the most important communication is nonverbal. That communication is how we express our love to one and other. The thing is, we don’t all speak the same love language. There are 5 primary love languages and we’d like to explain how they work so that you and your partner can communicate your love effectively.

Importance

The reason love languages are so important is because, if you don’t know how to speak or read a love language that isn’t your own, you may not know how to communicate your love to your partner in a way they understand. You might also be missing signals that they love you back! If someone spoke to you in a foreign language, you wouldn’t be able to understand what they’re telling you no matter how much energy they put into speaking to you. The same goes for the 5 primary love languages:

Physical Touch

If physical touch is your love language, you feel loved when your partner gives you a warm hug. Holding hands may fill you with softness and a gentle kiss might fill you with butterflies. Sex is also very important to many with a physical touch love language. It’s a way of communicating how well your partner knows you and wants to be near you intimately.

Words of Affirmation

If words of affirmation is your love language, you feel loved when your partner tells you how beautiful you are. You feel appreciated when your partner tells you how smart it was of you to pack a lunch for your walk in the park. The things that make you feel seen and loved by your partner are the words used to compliment and affirm that they recognize your value as a person.

Quality Time

If quality time is your love language, you feel loved when your partner asks to watch a movie with you. If movies aren’t your thing, it might be board games or reading together or going for a walk. You just know that it fills your heart with joy when your partner wants to do something together. Their desire to spend time with you says it all.

Gift Giving

Gift giving isn’t all about monetary value. If gift giving is your love language, you feel loved when your partner gives you things. It isn’t necessarily about the pricetag, it’s the thought that counts. To know that your partner saw something and thought of you makes you feel remembered and loved. If they put the time into making you something, you might be overwhelmed with the thought and time that went into their gift.

Acts of Service

If acts of service are your love language, you feel loved when your partner is willing to do something for you. When your partner remembers you’re out of water while they’re in the kitchen and return with a fresh glass, you feel noticed. They’ve been paying attention to your needs. If your partner does the dishes without being asked or picks up those groceries you needed on their way home, you feel loved and cared for.

Now that you know the 5 primary love languages, it’s time you learn what to do with them. Stick around for Part 2. You can even contact us if you’re interested in couple’s therapy.