Esther Benbihy

Esther Benbihy

Date Ideas to Start the New Year Off Right

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Date Ideas to Start the New Year Off Right

If you and your partner are looking to make the new year a rekindling of your romance, start the new year off right with a date. Even better is getting a little support from couple’s counseling. However, before getting serious, let’s talk date ideas that will give you a romantic start to the rest of your 2021.

Social Distancing Date Ideas

Because COVID-19 is far from over, it’s important that New Year’s date ideas incorporate social distancing and safety. Because of that, we’ve collected a number of date ideas that can be enjoyed with everyone’s safety in mind.

Personal Fireworks Show

Are you and your date a fan of fireworks? There’s no need to go to crowded hotspots or downtown events to see them. There are bound to be people setting off their own collection and you can see them from a safe distance.

Taking a walk in your favorite park would give you and your date time to talk about your hopes and dreams for the new year. Plus, you can talk with a backdrop of beautiful colors across the sky.

Candlelit Dinner

Having a romantic dinner at home can be exactly the kind of rekindling a couple needs. It’s a classic date idea, with the potential to go anywhere. You can even approach it from two different angles.

Acts of Service

One of you cooking dinner and serving it formally may be the perfect date if you or your partner likes to be wooed by the other doing things for them. It’s a great way to say, ‘I know your food preferences, I want you to have a good time, and you don’t have to lift a finger.’

Quality Time

If you and your partner prefer spending time together over formality, cooking dinner together can be even more romantic. If you’ve been together a long time, it’s important to go into this with the intention of having fun, not achieving perfection or doing things ‘the right way.’

Playful Snow Date

If you and your date are a playful couple, a date that encourages that can be fantastic. This is especially true for couples who have been together for a while. If you and your partner were filled with playful energy at the beginning of your relationship, and the passing time has stifled that, rekindle your younger side with a playful snow date.

This kind of date is flexible. You can have it in the yard after a nice candlelit dinner at home. You can take a drive out to the local park. Where you find your snow is up to you. The important part is that you can both freeze yourselves, playing in the cold. Afterwards, you can both curl up together, in dry clothes, to get warm.

A date playing in the snow together can be:

  • Sledding – a perfect activity for 2
  • Building snowmen
  • Making snow angels
  • Attempting to build an igloo together
  • A classic snowball fight

It’s bound to be good fun, no matter which ones you can cross off the list when you’re through.

Abuse Awareness: Is My Partner Manipulating Me?

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Abuse Awareness: Is My Partner Manipulating Me?

Did you know that abuse within a romantic relationship is not as uncommon as many people think? The kind of abuse that’s talked about openly – physical abuse – is actually not as common as other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, and many other forms happen all the time. As a couples therapy professional, Esther Benbihy finds it important that people are aware of any abuse that may be taking place in their lives. Let’s take a moment to check in. Is your partner manipulating you?

Manipulation Misconceptions

When you think of manipulation, do you think of ultimatums and threats? Many people view manipulation as the kind of thing a covert supervillain would do in an action movie. Unfortunately, it’s not always that grandiose and can slip under the radar of the average person very easily.

Manipulation, most of the time, isn’t something you’re aware is happening. Coercion is not the only kind of manipulation. So, what is manipulation, really?

Everyday Manipulation

Manipulation is not necessarily something that is planned out in some kind of evil scheme. It’s often times done subconsciously by people who have little or no respect for the boundaries of others. It can also be done by people who have a fundamental misunderstanding or lack of empathy and compassion for others.

Manipulation can start off very small, the manipulator testing the waters. When someone proves that they’re willing to lower their guard around the manipulator and make exceptions in their boundaries, the manipulator sets up shop. In romantic relationships, this can be seen in love bombing.

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a common kind of manipulation seen in romantic relationships. The manipulator will start off being incredibly sweet, gaining the trust of their new partner with gifts, encouragement, reassurances, and so much more. 

However, once the victim of this tactic has reached a point in the relationship where backing out is difficult, the manipulator begins to pray on the insecurities of their partner. This can mean subtly withdrawing their affection and reassurances when they’re displeased. It can be only giving gifts or praises when the victim goes out of their way to please them. Another form is giving the cold shoulder when the victim tries to enforce any kind of boundaries. Then, they force the victim to beg for forgiveness and give in to their demands before they’ll stop being upset.

Is Your Partner Manipulating You?

The question is, what does manipulation look like when you’re neck deep in it already? It’s hard to see these things objectively when you’re so sure that your partner doesn’t mean any of it badly.

Here are some signs that you may be being manipulated:

  • Do you feel like the amount of work you put in is unfairly high?
  • Do you feel like you have to ask if you’re allowed to have a certain boundary, rather than just stating it?
  • Does it feel like you’re never doing enough, even though, factually, you know you’re doing more?
  • Do you put in more time trying to fix your partner’s upset than they do for you?
  • Does your partner ignore your own negative feelings?
  • Does your partner rarely show you affection unless you’ve just done something for them?

If you said yes to any of these, your partner manipulating you might be more of a reality than you realized. Your partner manipulating you doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of a relationship. If your partner is doing this subconsciously, couples therapy might be enough to break the pattern of emotional abuse.

Give us a call if you feel like you’re being manipulated and would like to seek counseling with your partner.

When You and Your Spouse Disagree on Parenting Practices

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When You and Your Spouse Disagree on Parenting Practices

Becoming a parent is one of the most underestimated difficulties of a lifetime. Many do it without thinking or meaning to, while others plan to have a family from the time they’re still just children themselves. When everything falls neatly into place, parenting is still difficult. However, for many, nothing falls into place at all, making the job three times as hard. It’s a special kind of difficulty when you and your spouse having differing opinions on the best parenting practices. 

Let’s take a few minutes to go over how to approach parenting disagreements so that you and your spouse can get back on the same page again.

Getting Privacy

One of the most important things about parenting is to keep your disputes away from your children. Children are very observant and will notice if their parents are unhappy with each other or arguing all the time. To avoid all of the negative effects this can have on a child’s sense of safety and stability, you must keep disagreements private. Even small disagreements, if frequent, can have a lasting effect on your child’s impression of you both. 

Both parents should keep disagreement of the other’s actions to themselves until you’re both able to talk privately. In a situation where a decision will take immediate effect, quickly asking to talk for a moment and stepping away from the room is a good idea. For less imminent decisions, a differing opinion can wait until later the same day.

When a child can pick up on the incongruence in their parents’ opinions, it can lead to things such as:

  • Uncertainty on their own opinion of what’s right or okay
  • Disobedience of a new rule or boundary if they know it wasn’t a unanimous decision
  • Anxiety about their parents’ relationship

Talk – Don’t Argue

The next most important thing about sorting out parenting disagreements is ensuring you both approach the conversation with the intention to talk, not argue. Arguing over parenting decisions is quick to make both parties defensive and irate. Instead, approach the conversation with a willingness to hear your partner’s reasoning and work through the decision together.

Research Together

One of the best ways to help iron out what the best course of action to take is is by researching. Many frequently disagreed-upon parenting practices are the kind of thing that has had its effect on children studied. By researching the effects certain rules or parenting policies have on kids, you can make an informed decision about the best way to parent your child.

It’s important, however, to avoid confirmation bias. Frequently, when two people in disagreement research together, it’s with the intention of finding evidence for their own opinion. However, this can lead to confirmation bias – the tendency to only see what supports your own side. Try to approach research with the intention to find the truth – even if it supports your partner’s view instead.

Get Counseling

If you and your partner find yourselves disagreeing very frequently or you find disagreements turn into unavoidable arguments, it might be time for some counseling. Couples counseling is a great way to bring understanding and peace back into the lives of you and your spouse. Give us a call and schedule an appointment with Esther Benbihy today. 

What to Do When Your Partner Has Changed

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What to Do When Your Partner Has Changed

For most long term couples, there will come a time where one or both people has changed. If your partner has changed, that can mean a lot of things. Ultimately, you may end up wondering what you can do with this change. Let’s break the answer down into a few different steps. The first thing is to establish what kind of changes are taking place.

Healthy Changes

Some examples of positive changes are:

  • Branching out and making friends outside of the relationship, as long as adequate effort is still put into the relationship.
  • Making new boundaries for themselves. If your partner has begun asking you not to do things to them or around them that they do not like, this is something to be celebrated. While it can be off-putting at first, or feel like they’re trying to put distance between you, setting boundaries is completely natural. If you’re concerned about the nature of these boundaries, it might be time to talk with your partner and ask about what motivated them.
  • Discovering new things about themselves and finding joy in new things are both great developments! If your partner has found new things that they are incorporating into their identity, that’s completely normal. Years passing allows us to adapt to new interests and gives us time to think about who we are. It may even be more concerning if your partner doesn’t experience any personal changes over many years together.

Unhealthy Changes

Some examples of some negative changes are:

  • Your partner seeming to close off and not talk to your or anyone else anymore about their feelings.
  • Your partner losing their general patience and becoming short-tempered. 
  • Or, your partner seeming uninterested in doing things anymore. This is especially noticeable if your partner used to be very outgoing and ambitious. This can be a sign of depression or other mental health struggles.
  • Your partner developing reckless hobbies, spending money frivolously, or abusing substances.

What to Do

Once you’ve figured out the nature of the changes your partner is going through, you can then determine the best steps to take.

If the changes your partner is going through are on the positive side of things, you may just want to talk to them about these changes. Communication is an excellent way of bringing people together. If you aren’t sure why your partner has changed, this area in your relationship may be lacking. Try talking to your partner about their motivations and what has inspired these changes. Maybe you, too, will get inspired to improve yourself.

If the changes are more on the negative side of things, you may need to get some help. Starting with communication is a good first step. Let your partner know that you are concerned. Without attacking your partner, let them know you are unhappy with some of the changes you’ve seen in them and would like to try getting to the root of things. If the solution is a simple one that is constructive to both of you, you may be able to resolve things by yourselves.

Sometimes, when your partner has changed, it’s deeper or more complicated than that. In that case, it’s time to call Esther Benbihy. Call us now if you need to schedule an appointment for couple’s therapy. We can help you and your partner get back on the same page again.

Finding Time for Your Partner Again: Part 2

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Finding Time for Your Partner Again: Part 2

In our last installment of Finding Time for Your Partner Again, we talked a bit about some of the causes for distance in a relationship. We hope you’ve begun the process of mentally preparing for change because we have some solutions for you. Today we’ll address the three most common causes for not having time for your partner.

Overworked

For a lot of people, work is a monumental task. Whether this is because it’s hard, manual labor or because you’re using an intense creative process throughout the work day doesn’t matter. If you find yourself too tired to do anything when you’re done working, it may be interfering with your relationship.

First, ask yourself what you do have energy for when you’re done working. Do you usually sit down and watch TV? Do you play a game? Or, do you go straight to bed? If you find you have the energy for mindless leisure activities when you’re done with work, you should ask your partner if there’s any way to combine that with spending time with them. For instance, your partner may have a TV show they’re interested in that you can both watch together while snuggling on the couch. If the game you enjoy is multiplayer, you could play together. 

The next thing to address is your work load. If you’re too tired to do anything after work, it might be time to assess if you’re working too much. If you work for yourself, try cutting your workload by an hour or two each day. Or, if you work every day, change your work schedule to include at least two days off. If you work for someone else, request a change in hours or consider searching for another job.

Too Tired

Another important consideration is: are you tired all the time even when you don’t work? Depression is incredibly common and can really sneak up on people. You might not know this but depression can cause a significant amount of fatigue. There is a stigma that depression is all in people’s heads, but it actually manifests in a lot of physical symptoms as well. If you think you might be depressed, contact a local therapist and set up an appointment. Therapy and medication can be life-changing for those suffering from depression.

Different Interests

If you and your partner technically do have free time but prefer to do different things, you might find you spend a lot of time apart from each other. There are two solutions for this problem. They’re fairly easy too. You just need a little patience and willingness to compromise.

The first thing is you can continue doing your own thing but move closer. If you like to play games on your laptop at the table and your partner likes to read in bed, try taking your laptop to bed to play games. You both get to continue doing what you love but are now close while doing it. Even basic physical contact can provide a sense of companionship and encourage the production of dopamine.

Too Busy

Some people just tend to have a lot going on. From waking until sleeping, they are on the move. If this is you, you finding time for your partner may come with some big changes for your own schedule.

If most of your busy day comes from taking care of kids, see if you can get a babysitter once a week so you and your partner can spend time together or go on a date. Family is often willing to do this for free or cheap. Check in with your siblings or parents.

If you’re simply busy because you’re going to meetings and appointments and running errands, it might be time to start setting professional boundaries for yourself. Make sure you have a few hours each night to yourself. Refuse to schedule things in the evening. Try out grocery delivery services.

Couple’s Counseling

If your situation can’t be fixed with generic advice, come in for counseling and get help tailored to your unique situation. With some professional help from Esther Benbihy, finding time for your partner can be done together. Give us a call to make an appointment.